A life at Brown
by kinzer
Summary: Spencer introduces you to her college life
1. introduction to college

The library is a quiet place, a cold place filled with old and new books, just endless books. There are students spread out everywhere studying there for the knowledge. Some books haven't been touched for years; you can tell those books every time you pull one dust rolls off of them, causing you to cough as the dust envelops your lungs.

In a quaint little corner towards the back of the library, where the self-proclaimed books are I sit hard at work, trying to Ace my exam so I can finally intern at a magazine or what I really want is a newspaper actually anything will work right now.

See I'm a journalism major, I to write, dig interesting material and scriptures up, from the past things that are so forgotten about they are almost lost.

My name is Spencer Carlin, I go to Brown University in Providence Rhode Island. It's a great school that is one of the reasons why I chose it; the other should be arriving anytime soon!

It's a lot different from L.A where I spent my high school years. I miss L.A the weather oh, the weather. My family I think I miss my dad the most. See he was there for me when my life was changing, he got me the real me. My mother never got it, I resent her for that.

Rhode Island is somewhat similar to Ohio the place I was born and raised until high-school that is. My mother moved us away and to L.A for her job. I miss the snow in Ohio but I guess I will have it now that I'm in Rhode Island. Everyone made fun of Ohio calling it "farmland" and it is but not like it was it is so built up these days that agriculture is down. I know a little bit too much but see I love little facts.

So know I sit in the library searching through the archives of the New York Times, for some type of mini fact forgotten for my paper, it's as interesting as I hoped. I start to get into it when I'm shocked out of my concentration. I hear a loud snap, and then a pop can gets slid in front of me and a bag of my fav. Salt-n-Vinegar gets dropped on the times.

I smile and look up, it's her. Brown locked hair with enchanting brown eyes smiling back at me.

"_Hey" _I smile

"_Hey yourself" _she leans in and kisses me

_Deep in thought in the New York Times I see!_

_Yeah it's great fun _I start munching on my chips while I watch her pull a chair next to me. She's watching me eat I hate when she does this.

_You know those things kill your breath. I hope you don't plan on me kissing you!_

She smirks at me which makes her nose scrunch and her eyes squint.

_I don't have to plan! I know you want me, don't try to hide it._

I playfully pucker my lips to her

"_Yeah you wish" I have too go though I'll leave you to your dark corner. _

She stood and while doing so drug her finger along my jaw line.

_Why you leaving me so early?_

_Early jam session before the pep, tonight!_

_Oh I see k love you _

She bent down kissing me her tongue playfully rubbing against my bottom lip, before she breaks into my mouth and starts to battle with my tongue. She pulled away which made me moan a little.

_Love you too, mmm vinegar! _

She turned leaving me to my section of the library a little frustrated with the way she just teased me.

So there is the other reason why I came here, Ashley Davies my girlfriend! We meet back in L.A she went to the same high school as I did. I think I fell in love with her the first day we met. She helped me discover who I really was.

My mother on the other hand said she corrupted me, made me think I was a lesbian but I wasn't and it was a lie. Maybe that's why we don't talk anymore; she could never accept me for who I was.

Ashley and I started dating about nine months after we met. It was hard at first; we fought a lot of people to be together, mostly my family and the kids at school, not all of them just a select few. They hated us for being different!

But we came through that it made us stronger. Well until she had to leave for college, see I was a grade behind her, so I had to stay in L.A. I knew how the college life was, one night stands, keggers. I started to distrust her, thinking she may cheat on me. I know now she would never do that to me to us.

She came to visit when she could; I never came here though I didn't want to disrupt her college experience maybe that's why I had so much jealousy. But she dealt with my insecurities as I did hers; we made it work the best we could.

Then before we knew it I was accepted to Brown and of course I came here, it was a no brainer. It wasn't the best for my field but I didn't care I wanted to be with her.

Ashley is majoring in medicine; she wants to be a doctor an emergency room doc to be exact. No one expects that of her, the way she acts and her attitude, bt f you knew her you would know she loves to help people.

She has a band too! She plays at the school and local bars anything that they can find. She has one tonight actually which I will be attending with a smile, I don't like when she plays for keggers. I find them stupid! She is the drummer she sings for a couple of songs but Brett is the lead.

Ok well I can't concentrate on my work anymore so I'm gonna head back to my dorm maybe try to snooze a little before the party. I live in the east part of the school it's called Linden Dormitory.

Ashley is all the way in the west wing her dorm is called Reed Dormitory, that sucks we have to dredge all the way across campus just to see each other but I guess its better then three thousand miles.

My roommate is gothic girl, Allie always dresses in black, her eyebrow, tongue, lips, nose all pierced there are other things but if I named them all I would be here for a while.

She was a softie under all that make-up and armor.

Ashley doesn't like her but she hated everyone that is friends with me. It helps though that Allie always messes with her by touching me and saying shit to me, it drives Ashley crazy. I don't think she actually means it but Ashley tells me all the time to stay away from her.

Ashley wants me away from her so bad, that she actually try to convince me to move out into an apartment with her, which I will but I wanna experience a little college life first.


	2. getting ready

I stand looking in the mirror, Allie is on the bed watching me freak out over what to wear. I want to look nice for Ashley, I always want to when she is the center of attention cause I make her look better if I look hot.

Allie says I am whipped maybe I am but I don't care I love her and if she wants me to look hot I am going too.

_Just wear what you want Spencer, you look fine just like that! _Allie remarks as she flops back now lying on the bed staring at the ceiling fan go around.

_Ok see I can't look just fine, I have to look hot! _

_Whatever _she starts to laugh at me! _Your going to a kegger why look hot it's just a bunch of drunk kids!_

She was so right but I had to present myself this way, I am the drummers girlfriend I should look hot.

I sit down at the end of the bed, grabbing her shoes to look at what she drew today. It was a dragon eating its own eggs,

_Nice! _I shoved her foot of my leg.

She gave me a puppy dog face,_ What do you not like my artistic ability?_

_I love the ability just the choice of what you draw sometimes gets me! _

She sat there for a while still watching me fidget in the mirror. I couldn't decide and she was no help and I needed help.

I opened our door and knocked on the one across the door, Cassie opened the door looking hung-over like usual. She was a 2nd year like Ashley, she always was there for me when I had a crisis.

_Hey sweetie may I be of service? _She asked yawning but still smiling

_Yes you can tell me how I look? _I asked spinning around

She eyed me up and down _you look hot, very sexy!_

_Thank you _

Then Allie started _Cassie don't help her get ready for a night with that bitch she calls a girlfriend! _

I started to shake my head and Cassie began to laugh, then I saw Ashley coming up behind me.

_Hi! _She just walked past me and into my room, I looked at Cassie and rolled my eyes.

_Here we go again _I said turning to go back in my room.

Allie was laying on the bed still but her attention was on Ashley. Ashley was standing over her, I grabbed her arm.

_Come on Ash just let it go!_

_No she calls me a bitch let her say it to my face._

Allie gets up and starts smiling _Fine BITCH!_

_Allie stop! _I demanded but of course neither backed down.

Allie looked at me _better not stick up for me she might think you want me now. _She walks around Ashley and to the door, _see you later Spence oh yeah your lookin hot tonight! _She smiles and starts to laugh as she leaves.

_What the fuck was that _

_Oh Ashley you know she loves pushin your buttons and you fall for it every time, maybe if you would just ignore her then she would stop! _I say as I pull her to me.

_Hi! _She says as she kisses me.

_That's better _I say kissing her back.

_You know Spence I do have to agree with her on one thing!_

_Oh yeah and what is that_

_You are looking hot tonight! _

I start to giggle as my cheeks turn a light shade of red. She takes her finger and lifts my chin making me look at her.

_No reason to be shy, I love you. _She said kissing my cheeks _so how long did it take to pick this out! _

Sometimes I hated that she knew me so well.

_Oh you know about an hour, I tortured Allie _

Ashley grinned at me _"Good" – "Wait" you got dressed in front of her._

I put my head down great here we go again.

_No jealous I changed in the closet. _I was being sarcastic

_Spence don't encourage her! _she sounded mad then when she reached for her coat to leave I pulled her back.

_What is going on with you?_

_I don't know I just hate that she gets to sleep in the same room as you, and see you change when your getting ready to go out with me, talk to you at the end of the night and first thing in the morning! _

She shakes her head and kisses me _So not fair!_

I sort of laugh at her which makes her frown a little,

_Well Ash, you sleep with me in a way better way, when you see me change it was because I was naked with you and we do talk every morning and that's because I wake up every morning thinking only about you. Sooooo _I smile and wink my eyes at her.

She stares at me for a minute then she starts to tickle me wrestling me down to the bed,

She stops and looks up at me

_I love you so much Spence I would die if I lost you, let's stay in tonight. _She starts kissing my neck and her hands roam my breast.

I feel like I want to just scream, my heart is pumping it feels as it will thump out of my chest, my legs start to shake as she starts to suck my ear lobe.

_Ash, mmmm Ash _

_What Spence _she is annoyed I know she wants this she wants me and I want her to like a crazy person, but we have to stop.

_The party _

_We can skip it _she says as she starts kissing down my belly.

_God Ashley stop! _I try to sit up

_Spencer it's only a party _

I give _"ok but don't you think you should call Brett and tell him your not gonna make it."_

She starts to groan and moan a little she realizes we have to go; she looks up at me with sad puppy eyes.

My face turns into a smile and then I start to giggle at her.

_Why are you always right _she asks crawling off of me.

_Because I am you love it my head is on straight and focused no hanky panky on gig night. _

She helps me up wraps her arm around me and hugs me a little.

_I know Spence but your so going to get it tonight. _She said as she smacked my ass and started running out the door.

_Oh your so going down for that, get back here Davies! _I ran outta my room chasing her.


	3. The Party

**this story is just rolling, i'm glad you guys like it I should post another tommorow, **

**oh and ****thanks for all the comments keep um coming **

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Ashley and I walked into the party, the music was loud almost deafening. I think it is Akon's Bellydancer, I'm not sure though I don't listen to much music only what Ashley makes me listen too, and that's her singing so I really don't mind that.

Ashley takes my hand and leads me to the keg, there are guys standing all around, almost as if they were its guardians.

She pushes her way in to grab two cups and fills them up, she hands me mine. Even though she knows I don't want it!

_Just drink it! _She says as she leads us to were they are setting up the stage.

_I'm gonna go check on the guys, you'll be ok! Right?_ She asks as she rubs my upper arms.

_Yes, I'll be perfect! _I say smiling then I lean in and kiss her.

I watch her walk away and start to talk to Jake. He's the guitarist. He has to be the quietest guy I have ever met, you'll talk to him and he mostly nods. He never says more then two words in a row, I always thought it was drugs but I guess he never touches them.

I walk towards the side of the stage there is a table sort of to the back but were I can still see. I sit down watching Ashley double look at the spot I stood before, and then she spots me and smiles. That is my Ashley always has to be able to see me and know where I am.

A familiar song starts to play on the speaker, its Down with the Sickness by Disturbed. I know this song it's more what Ashley listens too.

The guys that are out on the floor dancing start to slam into each other. They are starting a mosh pit in the middle of the floor, some people are scurrying away and others join in.

I watch them all act like asses, seeing Ashley out of the corner of my eye watching them laughing and cheering them on.

I feel the table shake and I turn my attention to a skinny green eye blonde, who is staring at me out off breath.

_I hate boys they always have to destroy shit! _She says

I smile at her and sort of giggle _I know I have brothers!_

She smiles at me and turns her head looking at the stage, then back at me.

_Your Spencer right?_

_Yeah I am how did you know that?_

_Oh _she smirks _I have class with Ashley Bio! I always see you at the end meeting her. She talks about you all the time, I over hear her talking to her friend Marc._

I have to smile at this knowing Ashley talks about me makes my stomach feel as if I have butterflies fluttering in it again, like the first time I saw her.

_She does huh!_

_Yeah so aren't they supposed to play tonight!_

_Oh yeah in like twenty I think! _I reply sipping my beer

_You're a freshman huh?_

_Yeah I thought you got away from that name after your first year of high-school but I guess not._

She starts to laugh "_Funny" what's your major_

_Umm journalism!_

_A writer huh that's hot! _She looks at me with a smirk I think she might be trying to flirt with me.

_Oh yeah ok _is all I can say

_How long have you been dating Ashley I mean if you want to share?_

_Since I was a freshman in high-school, so five years. _I can' help but smile thinking of all the good times we had, and how much I actually do love her.

She smiles as she lights up her cigarette and took a swig of her drink

_Interesting huh! So you guys are real good then, happy I mean?_

I was starting to wonder were this was going I was actually starting to get a little pissed I wish she would just make a move so I can knock her the fuck down off her pedestal.

_Yeah were are is there a point in all of this! _I think my tone might have caught her off guard.

She reached across the table and grabbed my hand kind of squeezing it, hard enough to were I couldn't pull it away.

_Let me go!_

_No see I have to tell you, you have to now._

She was being cryptic but I think I understood her it had to do with Ashley, god what happened I don't want to know.

_Um I don't understand, what do I have to know. _I asked still trying to move my hand

She doesn't get the chance to answer because Ashley comes and grabs her hand off of mine.

_What the fuck is this? _She was mad but not at me, her glare was at the girl,

I stepped in front of Ashley my eyes were fixed on her, she on the other hand was staring at the girl. I could tell she was ready to fight.

_Ashley let's walk away, this doesn't matter, forget it. _

_No Spencer it does matter, _she was looking at me but her eyes gazed back up to the blonde.

_Why are you touching my girl? _She asked slightly pushing me out of the way.

_It was nothing, _the looks at me _I'm sorry! _She says and walks away.

Ashley is shaking her head, then she turns to me and puts her hands around my wait.

_What did she say to you? _Her eyes were large and demanding, you could see fear in them.

I wanted to lie and say she told me everything and push her away but I couldn't, I needed her to tell me.

_Nothing, only that I needed to know something but she didn't say what. _I looked at her to try to get some kind of expression out of her but she had none didn't even look as if she was relieved.

_It looks as if you know what she wanted to say so why don't you just tell me?_

She looked confused now

_What? I don't even know her!_

_Ok Ashley if you say so, _I shook my head and rolled my eyes taking my seat.

_Spencer I come over here and she is holding your hand not mine yours, and know your pissed at me what the fuck? _She knelt down in front of me, putting her hands on my thighs.

_Sorry I don't know it just seemed as if you two _

_What Spencer stop being jealous_

_No Ashley I know you, and the way you looked_

_What ?_

_You looked scared as if she was going to say something to me about you, _

_No Spencer I just don't like seeing girls with their hands on you is all._

_Ok…ok… but, if there is any truth to this, it will come out sooner or later!_

_Babe there is no truth stop freaking! Promise me no more about her _She smiled and took my beer drinking the rest of it not as if I cared but still.

_Hey, that was mine! And I promise _I said with powty lips

_You weren't drinking it. _She smiled and stood up a little so she could kiss me, I could smell the cigarette on her breath and taste it as she slid her tongue in my mouth. I pulled back out of her embrace.

She looked at me, her mouth was open.

_What?_

_Smoking I smell slash taste, I thought you quit. _I asked shaking my head with a grin

_Oh babe you know me never a quitter. _She smiled the one were her nose wrinkles, it makes me hot every time she does it.

I smiled at her _yeah I know but I also know I'm not kissing your nasty breath ass!_

She acted as if she was hurt then grabbed my head and kissed me, I didn't really mind I just liked giving her a hard time. She ended the kiss with a lick to the nose and a mischievous smile.

_I got to go were on it like 2, ok and hey stay away from the women no more hand holding!_

I let my breath out and made a huffing sound,

_I'll try to hold out, if I were you I'd make it short if you know what I mean!_

_Oh…oh I do _she reply pointing her finger at me _bad Spencer! _

I just laughed and watched her go onto the stage and sit at her drums. She looked up and me and twirled her drumsticks around with a smile.

I listened to them play the two hour long set, with no break. It was a good time even if I sat alone in a corner I liked it this way it was like I was in the library but way louder. My eyes kept scanning the crowd though for that blonde, I knew I had to find her and make her tell me what she needed to tell me. Maybe it wasn't about Ashley but I needed to know.

As the students all became more intoxicated the band started to slow they were on their last song now. I spotted the blonde on the other side of the room, I wanted to get up and go over there but I thought best to wait for Ashley.

The band was done, Ashley came to me and hugged me she was all sweaty.

_You're sticky, _I told her

_Oh you like it, but it's ok we can take a shower. _She smiled at me showing her teeth and making her eyes buldge.

_No I don't but we can after I do something! _She looked at me confused.

_What?_

_I see that girl I want to ask her what she wanted to tell me! _

_Spencer let's just go, fuck her. _She was a little frantic know I knew it was about her.

_Fine we can go but only if you tell me what happened because I can see your scared so don't hide it. _

_I'm not scared and you promised no more about her. _

She had me there, but I knew in my chest she was hiding something. I would get to the truth and I knew the perfect person to help me, so for tonight I'll let it go.

_Fine, let's just go then _my tone was angry I wanted her to know I was mad.

_Spencer I love you ok, don't be mad at me for something that girl almost said! _She started hugging me.

_Ok I'm not and I love you too. _I was though

She gave me that look you know the one, it says I'm horny and I mean now.

She started to rub my ass, making it very noticeable to everyone there lucky no body was behind me exept for the band members.

_Ash _I whispered.

_Come on let's go I need a shower. _She smiled and started pulling me out of the party.


	4. A night alone

**So here it is WARNING NC-17 guys so if your not 18 don't read **

**thanks for the reviews i appreciate them more please !!!!!!!!**

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When we got to the showers, there are girls in there showering and I'm not into public displays. Ashley on the other hand could careless, she tried to get me to take a shower with her but I got out of it. I left her there to take a cold shower.

I headed back to my room, it was midnight by the time I got in, Allie wasn't here yet, and she probably wouldn't show. Ashley usually crashes here with me on Fridays and Allie stays away.

Ashley's roommate is total bible hugger, I thought my mom was bad but she doesn't have shit on this girl. She always gives Ashley lectures, which Ashley laughs at. On Fridays she has a bible meetings, it's like a cult.

Allie says its karma Ashley ended up with her as a roommate.

I wonder where she is, I called her but I got her voicemail, I didn't leave a message she'd see I called her and call me back.

I walked to the mini-fridge and grabbed a bottle of water and came back to sit on the bed. I knew I had the New York Times paper hanging over my head, its due Monday and I didn't even write a sentence yet! I figured I could get some done while I have silence.

I started to write the first line, and my phone rang. " arghh figures"

_Hello_

_Hey you rang, did she finally ditch you?_

_Funny Allie, no I need help with something, it involves Ashley though._

_Ok but isn't she there with you?_

_No she's in the shower!_

_Oh I see ok so what's up, you want me to kill her or something because I'm not helping you with some romantic dinner or any thing!_

I started laughing she's so dramatic!

_God Allie I would never ask that of you, I need you to find a girl for me._

_What? _She asked clueless!

"Ha" _At the party tonight some girl acted as if she knew something about Ashley. She was going to tell me but Ashley came and shooed her away._

_Ok I'll help but why can't you just find her since you seen her and all?_

_I promised Ashley I wouldn't talk to her!_

_Oh I see so you want me to, I will help you Spence but there are a lot of girls out there._

_Oh yeah, sorry she's blonde, really skinny and has green eyes, she said she has Bio with Ashley!_

_Definite Monday I start my search, but what are you gonna do till then?_

Just then Ashley walked in wearing only her towel. She had the smirk, I knew nasty thoughts were going through her head.

_I'll just wait it out, ignore it but I have to go Ashley just walked in, I'll talk to you tomorrow._

_Ok tomorrow I'm so not coming home tonight if she is there._

I shock my head and hung up the phone, standing up I walk to Ashley.

_Who was that the freak? _Ashley asked sarcastically

_Ash, I wish you would stop it with that! She is good to me you should be thanking her for that! _

I said putting my hands on her hips moving them up to the slit that was in the front of her towel and running them inside to rest my hands on her naked back pulling her closer to me.

_I know Spence but she…_I stopped her with my lips,

_Shhh… later now I just want you. _

She moaned an _Mmmmm K _in my mouth.

She let her towel drop down to the ground, and started to push me over to the bed. She pulled my shirt over my head and went to my back unhooking my bra. She kissed down my neck, to my breast. She cupped my breast and started sucking on it flicking her tongue around my nipple.

Her hands were unbuckling my belt; I stood trying not to lose control she was making me hot, I wanted to grab her hair and rip her back up to my mouth.

She started to kiss down my stomach dragging her tongue across my skin; she left a wet trail down my belly causing a cold feeling. It was sending shocks down my spine and a hot feeling in between my legs.

She must have got my belt undone because the next thing I know my jeans are coming off along with my panties.

As she slid them off she kissed down to my center, gently teasing me with her tongue, she kissed the top of my center dragging her tongue in between my lips.

My legs started to shake I was losing myself, _mmmm oh god Ashley come on!_

She put her hand on my stomach, I felt her apply pressure to her hand trying to push me back onto the bed. I let myself flop down onto the bed.

She continued to tease me down there kissing my thighs and massaging the back of my legs. She put her hand on the top of my center and started to apply pressure letting her thumb wonder in between my lips she found my clit.

_Ashley _I said as my back arched and I started buck into her hand.

She came back up to my to me leaving her hand where it was whirling her thumb over my clit. I felt my body begin to tingle I was going to cum soon.

She came into my face and looked into my eyes, I seen the lust she had for me and I know she saw my want, she kissed me letting her tongue roll around with mine, she kept her thumb moving I felt it coming and she saw it in my eyes.

_Come on Spencer cum for me!! _

As she said that I felt my body starting to tense up my body began to shake.

_Mmmm god uhhhh _I felt the orgasm go throughout my entire body warming it.

I turned my head towards a smiling Ashley

_What _

_Nothing your just cute when you _

_Don't finish that sentence _I said to her pointing my finger

_Why it's the truth, so are you ready for round two? _She asked kissing my forehead and rubbing her hand up my thigh toward my still throbbing vagina.

_Oh no come on I _but as I was talking her hand was working its way through the liquid that came from my first orgasm, and into my center. She put two fingers in and started to pump in and out.

_Ashley no come on uhhh god ok! _My body was starting to shake already.

I felt her start to slide down my body kissing her way down to my center; I arched my back trying to get her to go down there quicker it worked. Her tongue started to flick at my center, her fingers still pumping in me she started to curl them as they pumped in me.

Her tongue was doing its job, working on my clit; she started sucking while her tongue vibrated my clit. This made me start to buck my hips. My head was thrown back into my pillows and I was grabbing the sheets trying to stop the orgasm.

I was moaning louder starting to scream a little, Ashley's pace only became more intense.

She was moving her hands faster into my center and her tongue was whirling and flicking my clit. I couldn't handle it anymore my body was covered in sweat and I was completely hoarse form the screaming.

_Ashley uhhh Ashley ok ok ok ok k ok _I started to close my legs on her head she got a few last tastes in and then retreated up my body.

She kissed me and laid her head down on my chest, kissing it every once in a while.

I calmed down and she looked at me,

_You were pretty loud babe! _She said smiling

_Shh I was not _I was blushing I could feel my cheeks turning red, after all these years she still got me.

_Ok Spence you were as quiet as a mouse, _

_That's better _I said while yawning

_Tired? Let's crash then we can finish this tomorrow. _She came up to the other side of me laying her head down on her pillow, covering us up as she pulled me closer.

_What do you mean finish, you ok but not me I know I'm gonna be sore tomorrow._

I said turning to her.

She kissed me, _I wasn't rough you'll be fine for tomorrow now go to bed I Love You Spence._

She said kissing me again and burying her head into the pillow.

_Love you too_


	5. The truth and nothing but it

ok guys here it is sorry it tokk so long hope you like it thanks for all the comments i really love them all!!!!! oh 15 years should be up tonight hopefully : )

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When I woke my mouth was like a desert, it felt like I drank a keg myself I had one beer actually half a beer. I reached for my water not there "Damn it"! I flipped over stretching to grab Ashley's water got it "Wait where is Ashley". Where the hell would she be this early 6:30 the clock showed. Ok this is weird Ashley is never up this early. I shake it off thinking maybe she went to the bathroom.

I spot her cell phone across the room I get up and grab it. I know this is invading her privacy but I can't resist. I flipped the phone open "ahhh" a picture of me and her at the beach. I start to look through her contacts nothing irregular here. I scan through the dialed calls "huh" she called someone today; I grab my cell and save it. I keep scanning nothing else other then that number three more times. I look at the received that number is in there as well as in the missed. Ok now I'm getting mad, "Don't jump to conclusions Spencer" I thought and I mean it could be anyone.

I look at her pictures, all pretty much of me and her, a couple of her band. I start laughing as I see a pic of Allie and me, her leaning into me kissing my cheek. Allie stole Ashley's phone and took it to make Ashley jealous, I know she's a bitch. I tried to erase it but she ran with until Ashley came back so I couldn't erase it, without Ashley finding it and getting pissed at me.

**Ring…. Ring **"Fuck" her phone started ringing, I dropped and stared for a second. I picked it back up just to see that very number flashing on the screen. Should I answer?

_Hello _I say in a sweet voice

No answer

_Hello! _I say this loud and agitated.

I hear a breath being takin' before she spoke.

_Hi! I need to talk to Ashley._

My chest dropped, my heart started racing, and I wanted to tell her off but yet listen to why she is calling.

_She's in the shower, but I can tell her you called, if you want to leave a message._

_No its fine, no message! I'll call her back sorry to disturb you._

_No problem, but can you do me a favor tell me why you are calling my girlfriend and who you are?_

_Ok my name is Kate! But I think Ashley should tell you why I'm calling her._

_Fair enough! _I said before hanging up the phone.

I put the phone back on the table Kate huh! Ashley never mentioned a Kate before.

I picked up my phone and called Allie.

_Spencer Carlin you better be dying! _

I started to laugh, _No I was snooping on Ashley's phone, found a number I didn't know. Then bam it started ringing and it was that number so I answered._

_Wow wow slow down there Charlie!! "Breath"_

_I am so, she sad her name is Kate and that I should ask Ashley why she is calling weird huh?_

_Yes cryptic! So ask Ashley _she said yawning.

_No I'm gonna tell her that the girl called and see what she says I'm not going to tell her what she said._

_Ok Spence! Secrets, secrets. I'm letting you go I'll call you later when I get up k._

_Yeah ok! Hey where are you?_

_Bye Spencer!_

_Bye!_

She never tells me where she goes I wonder if she has someone, I swear every Friday she leaves! "Oh well"

I turned the T.V on hoping to pass time till Ashley got back. Good morning America is the only thing on "Yah". The weather was on 102 degrees in Cali damn wish I was there its only 80 here. I would so be at the beach right now, sun tanning hell even swimming.

Just then Ashley walks in, surprised I'm up.

_Hey! _She said

_Where were you? _Acting a little controlling

_Damn Spence had to use the bathroom then ran in to Brett talked to him for a minute! _She was totally caught off guard by my attitude.

_Ok sure! Well I hate waking up and you not being here so maybe next time a note! _

I turned back toward the T.V, she came back to the bed laying down trying to cuddle with me but I got up.

_Spencer what is your deal?_

_You had a phone call!_

_So is something wrong?_

_No, I mean yes who's Kate?_

She looked at me eyes wide I don't think she knew what to say. She lowered her head staring at her feet for a second then back at me.

_No one! _She said

_No one she has to be someone Ashley! So tell me _

She stood up pulling me towards her. I was on the verge of tears not because I was sad but my anger was overwhelming me.

_Spencer I can handle this, don't worry!_

_What did you do, what happened? _I was crying now she pulled me into a hug and I stayed there for a minute before pushing her away.

_God damn it Ashley is she the girl from the party. _I was pacing the room

_I don't know!_

I was so angry no more tears fell. She was lying to me right to my face, all the shit she has ever done to me but never once lied to my face.

_Fuck you, you do know just tell me I'll listen. _I took a breath, my voice cracked as I spoke. _If you cheated on me I'll listen, try to hear you out but you have to tell me. Don't keep lying to me your making it worse, can't you see that!!_

She sat down on the bed like she was going to spill, nut she said nothing just sat there and stared at the T.V. I wanted to jump on her pinning her down so she had to face me. I was silent I can't believe she was acting like this it was as if I didn't know her.

_Ashley! _She didn't budge just stared at the T.V more. So I took a step in front of her.

_Ashley! _She stood up and finally looked at me, but she didn't say anything. She slide her arms around my waist and tried to kiss me. I stopped her pushing her away.

_I'm done Ashley! If you can't talk to me I'm done! _I grabbed my cell and walked to the door but then she spoke.

_Spencer! _I stopped and turned around to face her.

_What! _My voice was weak

_Kate is not the girl from the party that was Kate's girlfriend._

I was sort of puzzled after she said that.

_What I don't understand?_

_I, We _she was stuttering she couldn't say it damn it I knew it!

_Just say it Ashley _

She looked down

_I slept with her ok!_

_Look at me… Look at me Ashley what?_

Our eyes locked blue with brown

_I slept with her!_

Her eyes showed me how much pain she felt and I know she felt it, I wonder if she saw my anger, rage and hurt.

_Nice! One question Ashley was I t worth it? _

I left as I said that I didn't want to hear her answer, hell I didn't want to see her.

My thoughts were ready to make my mind implode. I came here for her; I wanted to break up when she left for college so this wouldn't happen. It would have hurt but not like this, she lied all this time. She I so possessive and jealous now I know why because she is insecure!

Wait, was it when I was back in Cali or now is she cheating now? How long once or fifty times? Was she good? Did she kiss her like I kiss her? My mind was going at warp speed, it was doing it's own thinking. I needed to talk to Allie.

**Ring….. Ring **Answer please I said to my phone **Ring…..Ring **Damn it come on

_Spencer you know your…. _

_She's fucking her Allie, I can't breath!_

_What? Where are you? _

_Outside the dorm! She's going to come after me soon I know it and I can't._

_Ok Spence calm down meet me at Tyler's._

_What?_

_I'll explain later!_


	6. Time to Breath

Thanks for all the comments guys keep them coming sorry it took so long i was watchng the cavs get spanked : (

* * *

I walked up to the Tyler's dorm, Tyler was one of Ashley's band mate's he played guitar and sang back up behind Brett. I thought Allie hated these guys but obviously not since she is here with him.

I see her sitting n the stoop of the dorm, she get s up and walks over to me and hugs me.

_What is happened? _

She sat back down and I followed.

_She said she slept with her, that's all she said I left after that._

_Ok but with who and why!_

_Some girl named Kate and I guess the girl from the party was Kate's girlfriend! I really don't know why or even when._

_Wow Spence this is fucked, I mean I never liked Ashley but I never thought she would do this, I'll have to kick her ass. _She said smiling and nudging into me, I just shook my head and sort of let a deep breath go.

_No you don't have to kick her ass I think she feels pretty shitty, I just want to know when but I can't see her right now._

_I'll ask her if you want_

_No…no it's ok!_

Allie just started laughing and stood up giving me her hand.

_Let's walk for a while I'll call Cassie to see if she left yet._

I took her hand and stood up

_Ok that sounds good, and you can tell me why you're here with Tyler! _I said to her smiling and nudging into her.

She smiled and shook her head.

_Got me on that one slick!_

_I know so spill_

_I don't know when it happened but I just started to talking to him and I realized that he is a pretty descent guy is all. _She looked at me and rolled her eyes I had a humongous smile on my face. _Stop smiling like that you look retarded! _

We both started laughing when she made a funny face at me and started making weird noises _"Dur Dur Dee Dee". _

She was always making me laugh at the little things she did I think that is why Ashley is so jealous of her, or maybe because she is the cheater ok I have to stop thinking about Ashley.

_So tell me more!_

_Like does he have a car _she sang?

_Stop! Seriously are you guys like together?_

_Yeah I mean we have sex and I stay her every weekend, but were not official. _She looks at me and smiles "_like were not out!"_

I smack her, _"you're such a dork". So what do you want to do tonight because you're stuck with me?_

_There is a party if you want to go! I mean if you're up to it._

_I don't know where is it?_

_She won't be there, they have a gig tonight it will be just us ok?_

_Yeah ok, but you know she is gonna come try to find me tonight after and if she knows that your at the party she'll come._

_Hey if she does I'll be there to make her leave, I won't let her get to you ok?_

_Sure sounds like a plan._

_Let's go back to Tyler's for a little?_

I nodded my head ok and we turned heading back to Tyler's.

Allie means well and I know she would do whatever I ask of her but when it comes to Ashley if she wants me, she usually gets me. I can't fight with her everything seems to just disappear. It's like parents you can get mad at them even hate them at a point but you can't actually stay mad at them, their life and Ashley she is mine and you can't live without a life. If that makes any sense!

We get back to Tyler's and he's just sitting around watching T.V. He smiles at me we walk in

_So Ashley's in the dog house huh?_

_Tyler please! _Allie says to him

_No it's ok! Yeah she is and could you not tell her you seen me?_

_No problem mouth is zipped she would never ask me anyway._

_Beer _he offered me I didn't want to take it because I'm not a drinker but I figured hell why not.

_Sure why not! _I sat down on the couch next to Allie and watched T.V, we watched the Deadliest Catch they were having a marathon. It's about crab fisherman it was kind of a cool show.

It was around three o'clock when his phone rang,

_Hey what's up!_

_Ok yeah I'll be there no I'll meet you. _

He turned toward me and smiled, it must have been Ashley calling him about the gig tonight.

_Ashley? _Allie asks him

_Yeah sorry I stopped her from coming here though!_

_Thanks! _I said smiling at him

_Well I have to go shower so I'll leave you gals to chat, _he said smiling and looking at Allie _you're going to that party tonight right?_

_Yeah but Ashley isn't to know about it! _Allie said

_Ok that's cool but it's a pretty big party I think she'll hear about it _he said looking at me _Sorry!_

He left to take a shower and Allie got up to get another beer.

_Hey you want another one_

_No I think I should just go back to our room. _I said getting up

_Ok I'll come with let me just tell Ty! _She sat down her beer and flew to the bathroom.

I didn't really want her to come I wanted to be alone but I figured just incase Ashley was still there she should come with.

She came back out with a smile!

_So cute _

_What?_

_You're actually all smiles!_

_I know let's go!_

She grabbed my arm and pulled me out the door. When we got to the dorm Ashley was gone. Cassie said she left about an hour ago, and that she was really pissed. Yeah I should be the one pissed not her, only person she has to be mad at is herself.

Allie sat on the bed doodling on her notepad, Cassie was on my computer and I was lying on my bed staring at the ceiling.

_So what are we gonna do till the party? _Cassie asked

_I don't know nothing chill out, we can watch a movie! _I said

_Ok but no girly shit! _Allie was looking at me

_What? Me _I said pointing to myself

_Yeah you, _she said jumping over to my bed

_How about Ghost Rider a little mix of love and action. _Cassie suggested

Allie and I looked at each other smiling

_Sure sounds good!_

When the movie was over we all decided to get ready for the party. I just threw on a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt and put my hair up.

_That's what your wearing?_ Allie asked

_Yeah so what aren't you the one always telling me to wear what I want! _I said smirking at her.

_Touché touché _

I just smiled at her and went back to my bed and as I sat down my cell started to ring. I looked down and it was of course Ashley. Allie came up behind me and took my phone.

_Allie give it to me don't you dare answer that! _I stood up and tried to grab it but it was to late.

_What do you want she doesn't want to see you anymore so stop calling her? _

I still tried to fight her for the phone I couldn't tell what Ashley was saying but I heard her yelling.

_She's mine now bitch so back off! _And with that Allie hung up. She handed me the phone back with a rather large smile. I know she has been waiting since day one to say that to Ashley. The only thing is I'm not hers and Ashley knows that so it's only making the situation worse.

_What the fuck Allie, know she really going to hunt me down. I just wanted her to give me space. _I said plopping down on the bed

_Come on Spence I was messing with her, let's just go have fun and you can call her tomorrow. _She sat next to me with her hand on my shoulder.

I kind of smirked _Fine let's go_

_Go get Cassie _I said

_Ok no calling her! I'm watching you_

I wasn't going to call her I am going to text her telling her it was a joke Allie just being Allie. I sat my phone down on the table not wanting to be annoyed all night by her asking where I was. I walked into Cassie room to get them and then we headed over to the party.

On the walk over Cassie had to stop about five tomes to flirt with a group of guys but other then that we made it with no Ashley spot tings. I figure she is at the gig right now but still.

The party was in the woods off campus, it took us twenty minutes just to get there. It was crowded with people even for being in a big space. There was no music playing which I thought was odd, but I ignored it not really thinking why there wouldn't be a DJ here. Allie and I lost Cassie in a crowd of Alpha guys which was not unusual.

_I want a beer_

_Ok I guess I'll go with you!_

We had to ask somebody where the beer was because we couldn't see shit. We finally found it and Allie grabbed her beer then I grabbed a glass and filled it. When I turned Allie gave me a funny look probably because I never usually drink at parties.

_My little rebel dropped Ashley to pick up drinking nice! _

I laughed at her. _You got me!_

We turned to see a stage and Allie looked at me.

_Must have got a band _she said

_Yeah! _

Only one thing Ashley's band is the only one around so that only means that this was were her gig was tonight. It took Allie a minute but she finally figured it out.

_Oh!!! _She finally said

_Yeah!!!!_

I looked on stage and there Brett was doing his mic check. My heart dropped knowing that Ashley wasn't far away.


	7. A encounter

I tried grabbing Allie before she walked away.

_What are you doing let's just go? _She just kept n walking right to the stage _Allie what the fuck are you doing? _She finally turned to me

_I'm going to find Tyler and kick his ass for not telling me! _She said starting to climb on stage.

_Allie _I called to her but it was too late I knew I couldn't stay here and face Ashley it would be to intense for me I needed my space. I started to walk away but I heard her laugh and I couldn't keep myself from not looking.

I turned back to the stage and there Ashley was up in Allie's face laughing at her, I can tell it was getting heated I saw Ashley's fists starting to clench.

_Fuck _I said out loud as I walked ghastly back to the stage.

_Ashley stop! _I pushed my way in between the two of them facing toward Ashley _Allie just go! _

I kept my eyes on Ashley the whole time; she must have felt like I was trying to burn a hole through her.

_What I'm not leaving without you! _Allie yelled

_I know I'm right here with you just walk _I said turning toward her

She walked off stage, but I was held there by Ashley. Allie turned back to see where I was her eyes lined with mine. She knew I couldn't face Ashley now I felt myself already giving in just seeing her.

_Spencer I want you to stay so I can explain! _I felt her breath on my neck it made my knees feel weak. She knew how to make me stay _Spence I love you and only you Kate was a fling I was lonely. _

I wanted to turn and smack her! A fling so that means more then once, the way that girls name rolled off her lips, uhhh… it felt as if I was going to vomit.

_Let's go Spencer _Allie said from the end of the stage

_No she's staying with me you leave Allie! _Ashley pulled me back I felt like stretch arm strong always being pulled.

_No Ashley I can't stay with you _shaking my head and turning towards her_ sorry but you lost me a fling nice I hope you enjoyed it._

_Spence it was last year, you can't leave me for that! _

Now I know Ashley is cocky but this she has got to be kidding me. I started shaking my head and pulled my arm away.

_I can and I will I hate you for this, _I started to walk away _Let's go _I grabbed Allie

_Spencer stop! _Ashley called

I didn't run out of the party but I didn't walk either, I knew she would come for me whether it is now or tonight, she needed me to live. I can't believe I just stood up to her it was little but still I have never said anything to her before I would have just went with her. It felt good to tell her we were done but yet I was scared of actually losing her,

_Spencer can we slow down now please _I almost forgot I was dragging Allie with me.

_Oh yeah sorry _I smiled at her _adrenaline and all _

_Yeah I got it _

We kept walking for at least ten minutes without talking, I think she knew what I just went through actually telling Ashley no. We were almost to the dorm when Allie grabbed my arm pulling me down onto the bench.

_What are you doing?_

_I just want us to chill here for a second let you catch your breath _she said pointing to the moon _look you can see the stars. _

_Thanks Al, _I say looking up at the stars _there pretty. _

In the back of my mind the thought of Ashley kept running. I know Allie was trying hard to make me forget but I couldn't stop thinking of what she was going to do next. I knew she wouldn't try to hurt me again by cheating, but getting drug and high showing up t my door wasted was a very good possibility.

_Hey Spencer are you finally done with her? _She asked looking at me

_I don't know _I took a final look at the sky _but what I do know is that I love her!_

_I'm gonna go to bed Allie thanks for this it helped _I gave her a hug

_Anything for you Spence hey Tyler and I you know nothing! _She pointed her finger at me

_Ok you're cute together though _I headed up the path into the dorm.

I got back to my dorm and immediately dropped to the bed. I needed alone time and I was hoping I was going to get it. I didn't sleep well the other night with Ashley here.

My eyes shut and I felt myself start to fall asleep you know when your in the realm of falling into a deep sleep but yet still being conscious when my cell phone rang.

I picked it up and looked at it _Mom_

_Hello _

_Hi honey _she was all cheery _so how is school_

_Good mom I'm tired though can I call you back tomorrow_

_Ok babe! But first where having a party for your dad and we want you to come and bring Ashley you know he loves her._

_Yeah mom sure I'll be there but Ash probably won't make it _

_Why is something wrong _her tone seemed to get more cherry?

_Uhhh. Mom I'm hanging up I'm tired grill me tomorrow! Bye _

I threw the phone down on the bed "Ughh I hate her" I said to myself. She always does this I'm in a bad mood and she seems to make it worse even from 3000 miles away. I rolled over looking at the alarm 11:00 not that bad.

I heard something like a knock or someone fumbling with the knob to my door. I opened my eyes the clock read 3:00. I must have fallen asleep, I got up and went to the door.

_Get a little drunk Allie can't even open the… _I opened the door and the person who was standing there wasted was not Allie _…door_

_Spencer please let me in I just want to lay with you Please? _

Ashley leaned against the frame of the door barely holding herself up. I just moved to the side allowing her in.


	8. A Little bit of Panic

**Thanks for the comments more please!! I'm sorry for typos i'm like crazy tired hope you like **

* * *

I felt her touch me as she walked past me it sent a warm shock through my arm. She smelled like alcohol and cigarettes. I watched her as she went to my bed and laid down draping her arm over her face. I didn't move nor say anything neither did she I wondered if she had past out. That is until she started moving her other arm waving for me to come to her. I didn't move toward her instead I went to Allie's bed and sat down.

_Spencer come on! _She stated without moving her arm

I didn't answer her, how she can think I will be this easy; I mean does she not even know me. She sat up hanging her head a little she must have been pretty buzzed. She picked up her head and looked at me.

_I told you I was sorry for what happened I don't know what else I can do? _She ran her hand through her hair

I just stared at her for a second which I'm sure to her felt like an eternity.

_I don't know either Ashley I think you really fucked up this time. _

_I love you Spencer I want to make sure you know that, _she got up from my bed and came toward me. She knelt down in front of me resting her hands on my legs _"You know I do right?"_

Everything in me was trying to hold back the tears I felt coming, but a single tear ran down my cheek and she reached up and wiped it off. I knew then that she truly did love me and that her affair or fling as she called it was just that. I was the one she loved the one she wanted to be with day in and day out, but I still couldn't shake the image of her and that girl in bed.

_Did you wipe her hair out of her face like you do to me or kiss her in that certain spot on the neck? Did she make you feel like I make you feel? _I had hundreds of questions and they all seemed to have spilled into one. _"Why"!_

She put her head down on my leg I thought she was going to cry, but instead I felt her start to kiss my thighs back and forth. She stopped and looked up at me

"_I don't know why, I have no excuse, but the one thing I do know is that I want you and only you". _She reached up to my hair pushing it behind my ear _"Your hair only falls that way on you no one could ever match that, the spot on your neck is the sweetest" I've ever tasted _she said standing up and leaning into my neck kissing it _"You have a certain curve right here that drives me crazy" _she stopped and looked at me rubbing my jaw line _"No one can make me feel an ounce of how you make me feel… no one_".

_I love you Spencer, and even though I know you know it I did a shitty thing and I'm really sorry I just want you back I miss you, and it's only been what not even a day I can't imagine what a lifetime would feel like. _She sat down next to me putting her hand out waiting for me to grab hold of her.

I knew this would happen she starts with all her sappy love shit and I get hooked right back in. Like a fish that knows there is a hook on the other side of the food dangling there but like a yuppie you hope for the best. My hand meet hers and I glanced up at her only to see a smile across her face.

_This doesn't mean everything is ok, it's not the same! _I get up and move to my desk

_It can be if you just let this go be with me forget what happened_

_What?_ My voice rose "_You want me to just forget you slept with some girl behind my back!" "Seriously Ashley?"_

She got up and started toward me "_Spence I want us to be ok"_

I moved out of her path and to my bed "_We can't be not now I'm still hurt and mad I need answers!"_

She followed me to the bed pulling us both down. She was on top off me pushing the hair out of my face, her eyes were filled with lust I knew she wanted to fix this but what she was thinking was not the way.

_Ashley I can't! Not like this, _I tried to sit up but she held me there.

"_Then what Spencer" _her voice was filled with tension, she seemed scared afraid to let me up, like she would lose me.

"_I need to talk about it" _

"_It will not help you I already told you" _

"_I want to talk to her" _

Her face turned pale and her eyes light up, I was almost like she had something to hide.

"_Spence I really don't think you should"_

I was getting mad she was lying to me I could tell she was almost shaking.

"_Too bad I am, why does it even matter if there is nothing else to hide"_

She rolled off of me groaning and putting her hands to her face pulling her cheeks down.

"_Damn it Spencer what the fuck is your problem" _She got up off the bed and walk right out the door slamming it as she left.

What the fuck was that she comes here wanting forgiveness and she leaves like that, _"Oh Hell no" _I say as I walk out the door.

I walked down the hall and she was there pacing back and forth, I began to say something as she slammed her fist into the wall.

"_Ashley" _she spins around giving me a look that almost makes me back up.

"_Go back to your room Spencer" _her voice was harsh, but I wasn't going to listen _"Now" _she yelled.

I just stood there shocked Ashley is bossy and I've seen her get angry when she gets jealous but this was something new. I was actually scared, she was not telling me something and I needed to know from her.

I decided to talk but I knew it had to be fast _"what aren't you telling me?"_

She stopped and turned to me almost leaping at me _"I said for you to go to bed I'll be there in a minute!"_

_What you expect me to… _

She stopped me from talking with her finger _"Spencer please go" _she was stern but almost like she was about to cry like she was begging me to just go.

I didn't say anything just watched her turn and walk down the hall. I wanted to chase her but I just let her go gave her space to do whatever she had to do. I knew that what was coming wasn't going to be pretty, she fucked up with something and I had to find out.

I didn't listen to her, I ended up in the library but not in my normal spot instead I found myself on the computer looking up Kate. Praying I would find her and there she was. In my dorm, room 787. I didn't waste time it may be 3:30 in the morning but oh well!

When I got to the floor I heard talking, It turned into yelling by the time I got there. I knew the voice I didn't want to go any further I wish I never came here, I wish I would have just went back and waited.

It was too late I heard too much Ashley and Kate stood in the hallway arguing; they didn't hear me or see me. Ashley was mad telling her she never should have done this, it was a mistake that she loved me.

Kate started _"I'm sorry Ashley what do you want from me if she asks me I'll tell her."_

"_What no way bitch don't ever talk to her I want you and your crazy ass girlfriend to stay away from her!" _

Kate moved close to Ashley whispering something to her, whatever it was made Ashley pissed she pushed Kate backwards pinning her against the door.

"_I said to stay away from her and if I ever find anything else out I'll kill you" _Ashley was seething hate and anger.

"_We'll see Ashley, she'll find out she's not a dumb girl" _

"_Fuck you" _Ashley said as she walked away back down the hall way

I watched Kate go inside


	9. The whole truth or I'm done

I found myself at her door debating on knocking. I was where I wanted to be she had all the answers that Ashley wouldn't tell me. If I heard what was going on from some stranger I could never forgive Ashley for not telling me. It was bad Ashley was acting crazy, the last time I seen her like this was when my mom made me go away for the summer only this is worse.

I had my hand to the door fully intending on knocking but something made me put my hand down. I couldn't I had to give her one more chance that was what I could give her. I turned and started walking I made it half way down the hallway when my cell started ringing.

"_Hello" _

"_Where are you" _Ashley asked in a frustrated voice

"_I'm out why where the hell did you go?" _I asked starting to get upset myself

"_Don't worry about me; I want you back at the room now. I need to tell you something please!"_ she sounded a little frantic like maybe she knew I heard her

"_I'm on my way now" _I flipped the phone closed. Shit I really didn't want to hear what she did it really can't be that bad what she has been cheating on me. How much more could there be really? I just want to go back to the library where all is quiet and no one can yell. It's my own little solace place to go think.

I ended up in the library somewhere I took a turn that my body just did like it was its second nature. I knew Ashley would find me sooner or later. I would be alone here for a while to think no one ever came back here to this corner where all the old ancient books are. I don't even think the librarian came back here.

My mind was running on empty thinking on what it could be I know I should just face her let her tell me so this can all be over. Huh maybe it will be Ashley and I that is over. I pulled out of my thoughts by the girl from the party.

"_I was told I could find you here" _she took a seat _"I think we should talk about our girlfriends!" _she put her hand on mine, I pulled out of her grasp.

"_I really don't want to talk to you about this" _I said shaking my head at her

She had a surprised look on her face she must have been expecting me to want to hear her information.

"_I know you must be upset with all of this I was just hoping we can talk about it" _

"_I really don't and I'm not upset about it" _I wasn't going to let her know that I was overwhelmed with anger. I just smiled and went back to my book

She got up to leave _"You must be really wiped; I'll never forgive Kate for falling in love with another girl." _Her saying that word love made my head wipe up, my eyes must have been the size of golf balls.

She cocked her head and sat back down _"You didn't know that this has been going on since before they were even at this school did you."_

I had become speechless; I couldn't even gather a thought. My mind was spinning I felt as if I was going to faint and I was sitting. She has been with her how I was always with Ashley this has to be a lie.

"_You're wrong I would have known" _I stood up my voice was way above a library level. She stood up with me, putting her hands up.

"_Wow don't kill the messenger I thought you knew Kate said Ashley told you, but obviously not all of it!" _

I was pacing back and forth behind the table _"So your telling me that when we were in L.A the were seeing each other?" "No way" _I said shaking my head

She smiled a little _"The summer before your senior year Ashley had a class at the hospital in Chicago. They meet there!"_

"_I can't hear anymore I need her to tell me this is just making it worse hearing it from you." _I went to grab the book that I had been reading, she grabbed my hand.

"_I'm in the same boat you are, I'm here if you want to talk!" _She just smiled and left leaving me once again with my thoughts.

I just couldn't get my mind to wrap around what she said. I'm trying to think back when Ashley went to Chicago but all I can hear is that fucking word "LOVE."

I practically ran back to my room only stopping to pull out my key to the building. I made it up the stairs in record time. I stopped at my door breathing and counting to ten, I just want to make myself calm enough to hear her out not to just beat her.

When I opened the door she wasn't there, I shook my head and my breathing slowed. She said she would be here I know that was an hour or so ago but still. I walked to the bed where I could tell she sat waiting.

I lie down and stare at my ceiling, all the shit that I have put up with. The jealously her always telling me what to do I never had friends only Allie and she sure tried to put a stop too that. I never once thought she would do this I thought she loved me and only me. I started to cry only a little before I made myself stop I have to be stronger I don't want her to see me weak not know.

I must have fallen asleep because I felt my bed moving and someone lay down next to me. I knew it was her I could smell her. She always smelled like cherries why I don't know. I wanted to push her away but when I felt her hand slide over my stomach and grab a hold of my hand I couldn't move, all thoughts and anger were gone. See this is my problem I love her to much even if all she does is hurt me I can't stop myself she is like my drug.

I stayed awake until I knew she was asleep. I laid there with her for another minute or so until I crawled out from under her. She didn't move when I left her arms, she always sleeps heavy.

I went to the chair that was in the corner of my room and just watched her sleep. I knew this would probably be the last time she holds me or I watch her sleep. I didn't fall back asleep I just stared at her all night she moved a little made some faces and smiled in her sleep she must have been dreaming.

The sun was starting to come up a little light slipped through the curtains I had on my window. I made its way to her face lighting up her closed eyes. I knew it was any minute know that she would wake up.

I moved my legs from the arm of the chair and sat up, resting my arm on my knee and putting my hand to my face. I felt like I should cry but I was going to stay strong.

Her eyes flickered open and I just watched her realize I was sitting there and not underneath her. She flashed a smile at me which I didn't return.

"_Hey why are you over there" _she still laid staring at me with the sun now on her mouth.

"_Where did you go I came back and you where gone" _I asked never letting my stance or stare change.

"_I went to look for you, you were taking forever" _she was sitting up now

"_I went to the library to think I didn't want to hear anymore of your lies just then!" _She had a strange look on her face.

"_Spencer come n I thought we could talk about this that's why I called you. I know we can make it through this!" _ She got up and came to me kneeling down on the ground grabbing my hands _"I love you"_

I pushed her away and started laughing it was more of a I better laugh not to cry. I got up stepping over her and pacing by Allie's bed.

"_What the fuck was that for Spence" _she said getting up

"_Love…Hah… you don't know what love is! Who do you love yourself because all this…between us is nothing but a lie?" _

She tried to grab me but I was raging now I don't think I knew what I was saying or even doing I just know it felt good. _ "Don't fucking touch me!" _

"_Spencer please don't freak out just listen" _she tried to touch me again

My hand went out and struck her face I felt the pain stem through my hand to my heart I pulled my hand to my face trying to regain my composure. She covered her cheek where I just hit her. She was in shock never once have I hit her or her hit me

"_No Ashley you listen I know what you did and I know you lied to me so this is your chance. The only chance I'm ever going to give you so you better just tell me, I know you think I won't leave you but I will I can't be with you not like this not if you…just tell me." _I screamed at her

She stood there looking at me bewildered at what just happened. I think she didn't know what to do how to react. All I knew is I wanted an explanation a reason at why this was all happening why she did this to us.

She was quiet for a minute _"Fine you say you know then why should I have to tell you make you hurt more, why am I even here you should have thrown me out last night when I came in here and held you."_

"_Fuck you"_ my tone was sad I felt my throat start to lump up

"_Ok if you come here then maybe" _She reached for me and this time got my wrists

"_No stop you're not going to talk your way out of this, just let me go I'm not… _I couldn't move from her grip and she cut me off mid sentence by her lips pressing into my mouth her tongue begging for entrance. I got away but she grabbed me again!

"_Stop it Ashley, you fucked up not me!" _she was losing control not only of herself but of me. I knew I was the only one that can stop her make her just relax, but everything in my body told me no.


	10. Crying

Thanks for all the comments i'm glad you like the story I know you all hate Ashley right now but hopefully you'll love her again.

Sorry for all the typos it's lke 2:30 in the morning

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She wouldn't stop I don't think she could get herself to let me go. I was starting to get fed up with her little game. She kept trying to kiss me, slamming me into the wall. She was shaking and her breath was staggering she knew it was all over. I couldn't forgive her for this not if she had truly loved another while with me. I needed to talk my way out of this room, I kept hoping Allie would come home or Cassie would hear us and come knock.

"_Ashley just let this go, I know it's hard but I want you to leave." _Her face was sad yet you could see a hint of anger.

"_Spencer I can't let you go not yet you didn't even let me talk!" _she finally let my wrists go

"_What else is there to say Ashley?" _

"_A lot, I don't know what you think you know but you have to tell me so I can atleast defend it" _

She was right I never gave her the chance to really explain. I mean that girl could have been lying to get back at Ashley and played my feelings and emotions against her.

I sat down on my bed and pointed for he to sit on the chair.

"_Thank you" _she said

"_Don't thank me just tell me that this didn't happen when you went to Chicago?" _I kept an eye on her to try to read her face

"_I can't" _she lowered her head _"I'm sorry I wanted to tell you, It just happened but it ended there until I came to Brown and we just ran into each other." _She looked back at me

"_I can't believe this Ashley you…_I stopped from speaking and stood up I waited before I spoke again trying to keep my composure.

"_So no contact at all since emails phone letters, nothing?" _I asked her trying to see if she would lie

"_She sent emails that's it no phone or letters, Spencer I really didn't mean for this to happen." _Her eyes began to fill with tears I watched a coupe fall before I could get up enough courage to ask

"_Didn't mean for what Ashley to lie and cheat on me or to fall in love with her?" _her head shot up, she quickly stood and came to me.

"_Spencer I never loved her, the only person I have ever loved is you how could you even say that?" _something in her eyes made me believe her, but still the lies.

"_Because I was told that you said you were in love with her, and I had to believe it you gave me no other choice." _I moved out of her reach

"_I lied I know but I was scared of losing you I never thought that I would see her again" _

"_Oh yeah that makes me feel a lot better" _I shook my head and went to the door

"_Spencer please don't leave, I want you to understand" _she came toward me

"_No Ashley I'm not leaving you are, I can't believe all this time you have been fucking another person behind my back the jealously toward Allie was all you just feeling guilty, I need to think you have to leave" _I opened the door standing against the frame

"_Why Spencer?" _she began to cry loudly

"_It's not going to work this time!" _

"_Can I at least kiss you?" _she leaned into me

I let her kiss me, why because she was Ashley and yes she fucked up but still, Ashley was my world and no matter what she does I will always let her kiss me. It was intense she didn't want to stop and every time I would try to pull away she would only push into me harder, I felt her tongue rub my upper lip it made me warm in all the right spots.

I pushed her away before I gave in to her and I know that what she is trying to do. I wasn't going to let her get me so easily.

"_Go" _I spoke lightly not in a harsh tone but not a nice one either, she looked sad and hurt. It was me that was suppose to look that way.

"_Spencer just…I love you…you Spencer ok just you" _she let go then walked past me and rubbed my arm a little but finally she let go.

I shut the door and slide down the door crying uncontrollably. I almost couldn't catch my breath, I was so strong but when I seen her leave it all just hurt to much. I felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest bit by bit. The sensation in my stomach made me want to puke. I had finally lost her, I knew and she knew that I could never forgive her, not without losing a little bit off myself. Could I do that give up her just for my pride?

I felt someone pushing on the door trying to get in.

"_What the fuck" _I heard Allie say from the other side of the door.

I moved letting her in. She stopped and dropped down to her knees

"_Spencer holy shit, are you ok? What the fuck happened I'll kill them"_

I laughed a little she always seemed to make me laugh at the worst times.

"_It's…it's finally done" _I was stuttering my words still crying

"_What you and Ashley?"_

"_Yes"_

"_Oh Spence come here" _

She wrapped me up in her arms comforting me, rocking me as I sobbed. We didn't talk she just let me cry, she knew I would tell her everything tomorrow. I fell asleep there in the same spot, I was so drained. The woman I loved killed my heart and I was broken. The only one to fix it was the one who broke it. So what am I to do let love lead me or let my hate kill me. All the books in the world I still had no answers. I've read at least 20,000 books, 100,000 newspaper articles and magazines but yet I had no answer to my heart, no way to stop the pain other than to be in her arms.


	11. A new start

It's been a week since that night I cried in Allie's arms. I don't think I stopped till I fell asleep. The next day I just stayed in bed crying on and off.

Ashley called that day at least thirty times until Allie finally answered telling her not to call anymore that I needed time. Allie was unusually kind to her maybe that's why she actually listened I haven't talked or seen her since.

Allie has been bugging me the last two day trying to get me to go out tonight. She wanted to go see Tyler play. They made up after he told her, he had no clue that they were playing that party. He apologized to me like ten times I kept saying it was ok but Allie was the one who as really pissed I knew it wasn't his fault. Ashley had a thing with not giving people too much information about things.

Here I am lying on the bed staring at the same ceiling I have been staring at for the last week. Allie is the one who is getting ready she's not all what to wear like I always was but she is still spinning in the mirror admiring herself.

"_You're acting like a hermit, Spence. You need to get over her already move on" _Allie said putting a final shade of black polish on her nails.

"_And you are acting like such a girl!" _I said turning smiling at her

"_Funny" _she said throwing a cotton swab at me

"_No seriously Spence this is unhealthy, I mean I know you love her and all but either get over it or get back on it!" _She spoke in between blowing on her fingers

"_I know ok I know…But I just need some time and I definitely don't want to see her on her turf." _I turned my head back toward the little tiger that I have imagined is designed on my ceiling.

"_Ok I guess it is her turf if that's what you are calling it, and I know she has like this power over you, but come on Be a woman flaunt your shit." _She came and laid down next to me.

"_What do you mean like get a girl and make her jealous" _

"_Yes exactly" _she said throwing her hands up

"_No I can't do that, it will kill her" _I said shaking my head

"_Maybe that is the point Spence! Hey you know that looks like a tiger?" _she said pointing to the same spot I've been staring at. She shook her and got up grabbing her coat _"Last chance Spence are you sure you're going to stay her and mop all night?" _

"_Yeah I think so, but hey I'm gonna go to the library!" _I sat up crossing my legs on the bed

"_Oh yeah that sounds like fun a damp quiet place with no one around…FUN!" _she said grabbing the door knob _"I'm gone don't wait up" _

"_Ok I won't call me if you stay" _she nodded her head and with a typical Allie grin walked out.

I got up after Allie left grabbing my cell and some of my journalism books, but not before I caught a glimpse of Ashley's notebook. She always drew on them and on this particular one she had a drawn a sketch of me and her kissing.

I flipped it over out of sight out of mind right.

It was late I mean not that late but late enough to where I knew the library would be pretty empty. I walked in the lights were dim but still bright enough to work. I went back to my corner but not before passing a girl.

When I walked past her I think she looked at me out of the corner of her eye. I knew because I was looking at her too. I've never seen her here before but then again I never really paid any attention.

She had dark hair maybe brown with light highlights some red and blond. Her face was in the book, her hands were on the drape of her neck rubbing it like she was getting a cramp in it. Her body was tone she looked well built for a female anyway, her shirt was black with a red skull and bones in the back. She had pajama pants on that had little skulls also, her feet were crossed at the ankle with black slippers. I noticed her feet because she kept tapping them on the ground, it must be a habit for her.

She looked up at me and I turned away from her hoping she didn't see me checking her out. I took a seat in my normal spot out of sight to anyone, the way I liked it.

I was so into my book I didn't notice anyone standing over me.

"_Mmmphhh… sorry to disturb you but is your name Spencer?" _the voice was nice soft and adorable

"_Yeah it is why?" _I asked looking up at the girl I gawked at when I first came in

"_Oh I just always see you here, so I asked Nancy who you were" _she was looking at me and the only thing I thought was who Nancy is. I must have looked bewildered to her _"Oh the librarian" _she said smiling.

"_Oh ok" _I said returning to my book

I heard her pull a chair out and I seen her sit out of the corner of my eye. I looked up from my book intrigued as to what she wanted.

"_So are you like staying in here all night" _she asked tapping on my book

"_Probably are you?" _I asked her smiling with a raise of my brow

"_Well I usually am, but tonight I kind of want to do something and I thought…" _she didn't get a chance to finish before I cut in

"_I never see you, I have no clue what your name even is and you thought I would go out with you?" _

"_Always here and kind of yeah I always see you with Ashley but lately she is not around and plus I heard about her cheating and I'm V short for Veronica" _she looked me over at least three times when she spoke.

"_How do you know Ashley?... Actually don't care" _I said looking back to my book

"_Well do you maybe go to that concert?" _her voice sounded little like she was scared

"_Did Allie make you come over here?" _her eyes kind of folded over like she had no clue what I meant

"_Um no I just thought you wouldn't want to spend a Friday night in the library, but I'll go no biggie!" _she got up

"_No its ok I would love to go, but only if you promise me something?" _I asked standing up meeting her

"_Ok name it" _her face was lie up like I just made her year

"_If Ashley sees us we just leave no questions or strange awkward meetings!" _

"_Got it, so no hanging all over you when she is around?" _she is flirting with me I almost forgot the way this feels.

"_Defiantly none of that I don't want a fight ok I mean if that is what you are planning?" _I said giving her an inquisitive look

"_Why would I do that?" _she asked with some suspicion

"_I just mean it's kind of weird you just coming up to me saying you know Ashley and that you want to take me out… She has lots of enemies and I don't want to be caught up in that!" _I explained myself the best I could, twiddling my thumbs.

"_Never I have always been crushing on you and I just thought this is my chance. I can back off if you're not interested or till all caught up on Ashley?" _she asked in a concerned voice

"_No it's fine, I'm fine with it, and we can go let's do this" _I said grabbing my stuff

"_Cool" _she helped me gather and we took off heading to the party.

I know this can be a really bad thing especially since Ashley is going to be there and not to happy to see me with another girl but oh well. Allie is right I need to make her sweat a little. I just hope she stays sane and doesn't go crazy on me or V. I want to make her feel like she made me and you never know maybe this girl can be fun, she seems interesting all ready.

See in these situations I believe that "_Faith is believing one of two things will happen, that there will be something solid for you to stand on, or that you will be taught to fly"_


	12. The meeting of two

**Thanks for reading and i hope the silent readers like it I'm looking for some love so comment please: ) next chapter up!!**

* * *

When we arrived at the party my first reaction was to look for Ashley, I know that it's wrong to want to see her but it has been a week and I miss the way she smiles. I scan the room and I don't see her or her band I see the stage that they will play on but no band.

I was taken out of my gaze when I felt an arm slide over my back and a hand rest on my belly pulling me closer, tighter into her. I knew it was her by the smell and the way her fingers crawled across my belly. I closed my eyes and sucked in that feeling of complete comfort, and the emotion and desire those hands have.

I didn't move not at first I only tilted my head back into her more. In the back of my head I remembered V but I really didn't care at this point. I felt cool breath on my neck and I felt it flow into my ear.

"_I knew you would come back to me!" _her breath reeked of alcohol and the smell of cigarettes rolled of her tongue.

I took a step forward breaking her embrace, I hated this. _"I'm not here for you I actually…." _She cut me off mid sentence

"_I know you're here with someone I see that, why she can't make you happy make you feel…"_ it was my turn to stop her

"_No Ashley stop! You're drunk and spewing at the mouth, you did this now sit back and feel the way I do for once." _I said turning and looking at the bar where V is getting our drinks.

I felt her arm again this time tighter, I didn't struggle just let her talk.

"_I know I did this and for that I am sorry, but what you are doing is just stupid I know you can't be with her, because if you are you'll only see me_." She let go of me, it seemed like perfect timing because V came up with my drink. I knew Ashley was still behind me not just because of V's eyes on her but I could feel her close to my back.

"_Hey I got you cherry vodka, I hope that is ok?" _V asked as she stared at Ashley

"_She doesn't like vodka!" _Ashley stated behind me

"_Its fine thank you" _I smiled up at her

"_Ok good, so you must be Ashley?" _She was calm almost to calm

"_Oh so you know me good then you should know that this is my girlfriend you're trying to get to bed." _Ashley stepped in front of me; her voice was steady and strong like she wanted to fight.

"_Ashley stop, you don't own me and as I recall you aren't my girlfriend anymore!" _I pulled her back

"_Its ok Spencer she doesn't scare me" _V says

"_Ok this is so not happening let's go V" _I started walking away and V wasn't behind me, I turned back to see her and Ashley staring each other down.

"_Come on" _I grabbed V's wrist and watched her smile at Ashley. I wish she wouldn't have done that

Ashley stepped forward in front of me blocking me. Her eyes were dark black almost, filled with anger. I tried to get around her but when I did she only moved.

"_Move out of the way bitch!" _V yelled from behind me, I looked up at Ashley whi had a grin on her face.

"_Ok this is enough V go find a table I'll find you!" _I asked facing her

"_Spencer I really don't think that is a good idea" _V shook her head at me

"_I'm fine ok I just need to settle her ok I'll be there give me five ok if I'm not there then you can come get me._" I watched her go in search of some place to sit, she looked back a few times. I turned to Ashley who had a big grin on her face.

"_Nice Ashley" _

"_What your bed not even cold and you're already hooking up and with her. Spence you can do so much better!" _she was staring at V

"_What Ashley like you because you're so much better, just leave me alone!" _I stared at her

"_I wish I could but until you tell me it's really over, you're still all mine…So please let's just get out of here. Let me take you back home."_ She grabbed my hand and I yanked it back from her.

"_No Ashley I told you that I needed time" _

"_You know what Spencer this is fucking ridiculous" _she turned around to walk away; I reached out to stop her. I didn't know why I should have let her go

"_What Ashley you're just going to walk away isn't that typical of you." _She quickly swung back around.

"_I don't walk away that's you I want to fight for us I know you think what I did is so unforgivable, but to us this is something we can get through we are not any ordinary couple. My love for you is all I have to live for and I know you feel the same so why don't we just cut this shit and just forgive and move on." _Her eyes started to tear and I did feel bad but I couldn't help but want to smile. I hurt her by acting as if I wanted to move on when in fact I don't.

"_Ashley you know how I feel but I just think maybe I should see what else is out there!" _my voice didn't shake it was steady and I saw her eyes fall like I ripped her heart out, she knew I was being serious.

"_Whatever Spencer if you fuck her I'm done" _with that she was gone.

I looked over to the table I saw V sit at, she was there looking right back at me smiling. I was stuck in between a girl I just met who could be great for me and a girl I loved, the girl of my dreams. It seems like an easy choice but for me it will be a hard one.

A familiar voice echoed through the crowd I stopped walking and stopped looking up at the stage I meet those eyes and seen that smile. "_Ok guys so we wanna mix it up a little we not big on love songs but since I'm having a little confusion in my love life I told the nice willing guys too go with me on this! I want to quote something before I start and my words go to the one I love." _

I watched her eyes lock with mine, she always seems to do this get in my heart and make me completely forget why I am not with her and feel like I need to run to her

"_I love you for not only what you are, but for what I am when I am with you. I love you not only for what you have made of yourself, but for what you are making of me. I love you for the part of me that you bring out." _

I didn't cry but I did have tears in my eyes, I felt a hand on my shoulder and when I turned I saw standing with a understanding look on her face. I smiled at her and turned back to Ashley as she started to sing…

" **Lying in my bed, I hear the clock tick, and think of you  
Caught up in circles, confusion is nothing** **new **

**You say, "Go slow, I fall behind"**  
**The second hand unwinds **

**If you're lost, you can look and you will find me,  
Time after time  
If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting,  
Time after time…Time after time…Time after time**

**I turn, my picture fades, and darkness has turned to grey  
Watching through windows, you're wondering if I'm okay  
You said, "Go slow, I fall behind"  
The second hand unwinds...**

If you're lost, you can look and you will find me,  
Time after time  
If you fall I will catch you, I will be waiting,  
Time after time


	13. Another Fight

After she finished her song that was meant for me her band went back to their normal music. I watched after that and every time I would look up she had her eyes on me. The song she sang to me was beautiful and I loved that she broke herself down like that in front of everyone. It showed that she did love me and that she did fell horrible for what she did to us to me. I can't forgive her know it's too early and I won't let her think she can just walk all over me and I'll be there to forgive and forget.

V and I sat in the booth conversating about all things my mind wasn't on Ashley but it wasn't far from her. I kept watching V's mouth move but it was hard to hear her with Ashley's voice ringing in my ear.

"_So how long did you two date?" _she asks me I think she noticed I was more focused on my thoughts then her.

"_Um for a while a long while" _I was being discreet if this girl knew I was with Ashley for almost eight years, she would defiantly back away nobody is over someone that quick.

"_Ok it's cool if you don't want to talk about it" _she smiled at me with that almost Ashley smile

"_Thanks" _I said smiling back at her and scanning the crowd for Allie

"_So do you want to get out of her maybe go somewhere quieter?" _ok is she trying to hit on me because her hand on my thigh is defiantly much

"_Um sure but first I see my roommate I have to talk to her, I'll be back" _she nodded at me. _"K"_

I was squeezing my way between people scavenging to find her. I never realized when the music stopped I was to busy looking for Allie and when the crowd cleared I seen her talking to Taylor in the corner. I use to stand here and wait for Ashley

I ran up to her _"Hey" _

"_Heyyyyy" _she must have been a little buzzed because she practically jumped on me _"You came out of your hole, why?"_

I just started laughing _"I missed you" _

"_Sure, did you like slut girl's song for you"_ She said smirking at me knowing I hate when she calls Ashley names but I know I can't bitch at her for it.

"_Yes I heard it! It doesn't change anything" _

I watched her eyes travel behind me, her face turned into a slight smile. I turned around following her direction, "_Well it looks like she might know that" _she spoke into my ear

"_Shit" _I said out loud when I saw Ashley standing over V having what seemed like heated discussion. I started to walk over and I heard Allie behind me

"_Spencer what's up Fuck her" _she didn't know that V was with me

"_Allie I came with her" _I turned back to her

"_Why Spencer I thought…" _ I interrupted her

"_No No I came with her" _I pointed to the girl that was actually standing up to Ashley with a finger waving in her face. I knew Ashley wouldn't last much longer not punching her in the face.

I walked up behind V

"_What is wrong Ashley, pissed off because Spencer doesn't want your ass anymore? Face it she is over you so just go back to your shit ass life and stop trying to get her back. Trust me it will never happen" _V moved closer to Ashley whispering in her ear. Ashley let her and I watched her eyes. The expression on her face change, her eyes got big filled with anger, I almost saw what came next.

Ashley pushed the girl backwards into me. I fell into the booth hitting my head on the table. Ashley was coming at V fist clenched ready to kill her, she didn't even notice I was there hurt or if she did she sure as hell showed no sign of caring.

She grabbed V and pulled her up letting her go she clinched her fist and let it collide with V's face making her shift backwards from the force. V tried to encounter but was blocked then thrown to the ground. Ashley jumped on top of her grabbing her hair and pulling slamming the back of her head into the ground.

This was all happening so fast I couldn't react; I don't think I have ever seen Ashley so mad at anything in my life I think I was actually scared of her.

Allie came to my side trying to help me up _"Spencer are you ok" _she asked

I didn't respond to her I got up quickly like she brought me out of my daze. I grabbed Ashley pulling her off of V, her hands raised to swing at me. I grabbed them stopping her and the look in her eyes was almost scary, unforgettable at that. _"Fuck you Spencer"._

I felt pain sting my heart and sit there, it was hard to swallow or even breathe. Ashley has never put so much pain and anger into one statement. I reached out to touch her and she moved backwards _"Don't touch me stay the fuck away" _

"_Ash" _but before I even could talk she was gone

I turned to see V sitting up holding her nose

"_What did you say to her?" _I yelled at her

Allie grabbed my shoulder trying to hold me back I snapped out of her grasp, I kneeled down in front of V asking again _"Tell me what you said to her?"_

"_I told her what she always knew and she just can't handle it" _she said getting up still holding her nose

"_What the fuck does that mean?" _I asked starting to get frustrated with this girls stupidity

"_I really like you Spencer I was just helping you out is all, Ashley is a loser and she knows she's not good enough for you that's why she is always fuckin up!" _She said smiling at me in a mocking way

"_I don't think you know her well enough to say if she is good for me or not" _I was know up close in her face, I felt Allie on my shoulder tugging me back

"_Spence let's just go she's a freak" _Allie said stepping in front of me

"_Oh your one to talk bitch" _V said to Allie

"_What did you just call me a female dog, haaa" _Allie said laughing _"that's you, with you're nappy ass fake hair and your silicon tits, go back to your corner ho" _Allie was all up in this girl's shit I couldn't help but laugh and be proud that she is my roommate.

V scrunched her face with a fake smile and left like a dog with her tail between her legs. I couldn't help but laugh at Allie who was shaking her head at her like a cheerleader as she walked away. _"Ha that's right walk away blondie" _Allie said causing me to laugh

"_Thanks Al" _I said hugging her from behind _"I guess I shouldn't meet new girl's I find the crazies" _

"_Damn right Spencer be a hermit or I will definitely get in trouble for kickin all these Barbie asses" _She said laughing

"_Well I think I'm going to head back to the room" _I said to her hoping she would by my line

"_Sure Spencer you're so see through when it comes to her"_ she said shaking her head at me

"_Who" _I said smiling at her

Allie didn't say anything just shook her head and gave me a smile before walking back to explain to Taylor where Ashley was. I took off quickly hoping to catch Ashley before she got back to her room.

I knew she was hurting I just hope she didn't believe anything V said to her. I know there is more Ashley wouldn't react the way she did only for that. I couldn't think what it could be but I know it's not good. I made it out of the party still deep in thought, but not deep enough to see Ashley standing by sidewalk talking to somebody, she looked really familiar to me. It wasn't until I got closer till I realized that it was Kate and they happened to be caught in a intimate lip lock.

I couldn't move I just stood there, locked in place.

"_Bitch" _echoed through the campus


	14. Trying

I see myself as a rational person, I can hold in my anger very well. Now don't get me wrong I do fly off the handle sometimes but I mostly have that happen around my brother. He can get to me like no one else, make my skin crawl. My parents say it's because we are one in the same.

Right now I stand here! I can fell my skin crawling and my brain is talking to me telling me all these things that I know aren't true, but I can't help but fall into the trap. It's a trap of jealousy mixed with deceit. All the power in my body goes straight to my hands and I start shaking not from the anger but from the shock of it.

Ashley was right here in front of me embracing another woman comforting her. I should walk away but I can't she already seen me. I watched her say something to Kate then start to run towards me.

"_Spencer this is not what it looks like, I mean it is but it's not just let me explain" _she said to me out of breath and desperate

"_I can't talk to you, all these lies Ashley I don't even know you" _I said to her trying to refrain from crying

She stepped closer to me trying to comfort me like she was Kate. I jumped back out of here reach. She tried again

"_Stop you can't touch me" _she finally stopped

"_Spencer please just go back to the dorm I will meet you there"_

"_Why is she that important to you that you can't go now with me?"_

"_No she just needs someone now and I feel…"_

"_Guilty because you did this, whatever Ashley!" _I say walking away

"_Spencer stop!" _She says grabbing my arm

"_What Ashley you can't fix this not this time, no I Love Yous can fix this" _I was yelling actually I was crying as I was yelling.

I think I realized now that it is over all those years all the time spent on one person gone.

"_Please don't cry Spencer just let me take you back to your room" _she slid her arm around my waist and I let her. I didn't want to lose her, and this her taking me back to my room meant she would be away from this bitch.

I turned to see the girl standing in the distance with her head down. It made me fell small seeing her like that knowing that I took her comfort away.

When we got to the room she opened my door for me letting us in, she hesitated before coming in. I went to the bed and sat down laying my head on the pillow. I felt so drained my life was falling down all around me and Ashley was the only one to fix it but how can I let her when she caused it.

I watched her go through my drawer finding me shorts and a tank to sleep in. She turned to face me and I closed my eyes hoping she would just go away but praying that she would lay with me.

I heard her sigh maybe it was relief that she didn't have to talk now. It is ok though I don't want to talk either it will only end bad maybe in her leaving. I felt the bed go down; she was sitting in front of me probably staring at me. She took her hand and moved the hair off of my eyes tucking it behind my ear.

It felt like heaven her hands running over my hair all the stress seemed to be gone with one touch form her.

"_I know you're not sleeping Spence, I think I know when you sleep or not I have watched you plenty of nights. Before I woke you_ _for breakfast, times we were late for school, after we made love." _The last one made my eyes open her voice was filled with tears and I felt her start to shake.

She smiled at me shaking her head tears rolling down her cheeks, little jerks of breath came out as she tried to get her voice.

"_I'm so sorry for this Spencer I never thought this would happen, I knew you would find out but I couldn't help but keep it from you I didn't want to hurt you not like this not ever." _Her head was down and I watched tears drip onto her knees

"_Why" _was all I could say?

"_I don't know it just happened I think it was a mix of the way we were being treated at school and the way your mom was keeping us apart. I felt alone and Kate made me feel like I belonged there was no one to say it was wrong no one to make me fell like shit!" _She said this like she had it all figured out maybe it was a speech once.

I couldn't help but think of the way she said her name Kate like it was a royal thing like she didn't think that it would hurt me hearing her say that name wondering if she said it that way in bed. I knew this was a bad idea talking about this I still had to many anger issues with it.

"_So I made you feel worthless is that what you're saying…"_

"_NO" _she interrupted me

"_Ok that is what you just said, you needed comfort and I wasn't there so you slept with someone else ok I just don't get that you left I never did I have been here through all of it all of our fight to be happy and together, and what you were the one that was hurting me the most!" _

"_Spencer I never meant to hurt you and I've regretted it every day since..."_

"_You've been sleeping with her Ashley how much regret do you have, it's called loyalty Ashley that's what your suppose to be to the one you love!" _I said interrupting her

"_I know and I have now way of proving to you how much I do love you other then not leaving your side and making you see that I want you and only you!" _she said grabbing my hand with hers softly rubbing her fingers along my knuckles.

"_But you don't know what you want, I see you holding her so tell me why would you be doing that if you wanted me knowing that would kill me?" _I took my hand away pretending my hair was in my face. It felt like to much letting her hold me, she didn't deserve it.

"_She's in pain Spencer I just want her to be ok with this" _she says putting her head down

"_What that isn't your problem I need you to concentrate on us not the girl you've been fucking." _She doesn't talk just stares at the blanket on my bed plucking at the button _"Wait is she in love with you? Are you in love with her?" _I asked her frantically standing up and pacing as she sat quietly.

"_Ashley say something" _I yell to her

"_I…I just don't know anymore Spence" _she got up and came towards me and I backed up trying to get her to stop. _"I don't love her but I do care for her, I know she loves me and that is hard for me to hurt her, but I know that I have to so I can be with the one I love!" _she said steeping into me grabbing my wait with her hands I tried to pull away but she was to strong _"I love you Spencer and I know that better then anything I have ever known in my life, watching you with that bitch tonight made my skin crawl I felt lost and I knew I could never lose you. You are my world!" _her eyes never left mine and I knew that she was sincere in her words and I felt it in her touch.

"_Ashley I don't know if I can do this forgive you so easily, when I see you I wan to just hold you and kiss you but when reality comes back into focus I just want to run from you and hide." _I said staring into her eyes, then backing away when I was done

"_It will be hard Spencer I know it will I have to earn your trust back, but you have to give me a chance I know that you need me as much as I need you!" _she said stepping back into me _"I love you Spence and I want to be with you forever" _she was holding me now her head on my shoulder her hands rubbing my back. I could smell her shampoo that Ashley smell a mix of cherries and vanilla it made me feel weak in my thoughts. I hear her whisper in my ear and everything that was wrong just melts away _"I love you baby, I miss you" _

I feel my body relax in her arms I felt like I was home again. I felt her move a little lifting her head and pulling away from my body. I let a little sigh escape when I felt her warmth leave. If I could see her face she would be smiling knowing that I am happy with her holding me. She pushed my hair out of my face and lifted my chin with her other hand. My hands were still on her waist holding on to her so she couldn't move.

I knew she wanted to kiss me; I was going to let her, it had been so long I have missed her soft lips. She moved closer to me her eyes on mine then wondering down to my lips. I could feel her breathing on my face; she licked her lips and barely graced my lips.

"_Spencer are you in here?" _a voice yelled from behind the door as it swung open and Ashley quickly moved away.


	15. A visitor

I had one thought in my head when I heard that voice and it wasn't a good one. Why would she be here and at like eleven at night. Ashley backed away quicker then I have ever see her move, it must be the guilt of what happened. My mother said she would always hurt me and she wasn't wrong, mothers rarely are.

"_Mom, what are you doing here it's called a phone?" _I said standing in between her and Ashley.

"_Nice to see you to Spencer!" _she id rolling her eyes at Ashley and coming to me hugging me

"_Sorry it's just weird seeing you all the way here this late unannounced!" _are hug ended and I felt the tension in the room, not only my mother and me but Ashley and me plus my moms presence didn't help.

"_I had a conference in New York so I decided to stop in on you see how you were!" _her smile on her face when she talked told me something different

"_Oh you mean like snooping around my life, I thought we were over this?" _I said shaking my head at her and turning to Ashley

"_Spencer it's different I just wanted to see you is all. I know it is out of the way but I just figured you would want to see me too!" _oh she is so good at the guilt thing I swear her and Ashley have more in common then they think.

"_I do mom trust me I do miss you and dad, but it would just be nice for a phone call is all I'm saying!" _I was standing by Ashley now I just happened to move in her direction

"_Hi Ashley nice to see you are still around!" _my mom said to Ashley in her bitchy tone but with a big smile like she meant nothing by it

"_Oh hi Mrs. C yeah I'm still here always gonna be so!" _Ashley said back to her in her cocky tone with a smile, they are never going to change.

It was an awkward moment of silence, I wanted to spend time with my mom but it was late and I definitely wanted Ashley to stay here so I felt like I was in a predicament. Should I ask my mom to leave or tell Ashley I would call her?

"_Do you sleep here Ashley? Don't you have your own room?" _my mom said trying to shoo her off.

"_I have my own room but…" _I stopped Ashley before she totally pissed my mom off.

"_Umm mom why don't you go wait downstairs in the cafeteria and I will be down in a minute?" _my moms face was priceless when I told her to leave it almost made me laugh but I had to remember Ashley and I weren't on laughing terms.

I watched my mom leave and then turned to a not so very happy Ashley.

"_What Ash I can't just send her away" _I said sighing

"_Why? She hates me Spencer see what I mean?" _she said spinning around to face my wall

"_No don't think you can rationalize this you fucked up my mom didn't push you" _I said grabbing my coat and door key.

"_Where are you going? I think I need you more right now, don't you?" _she said coming behind me and grabbing my arm

_No Ashley I think my mom is here and I want to talk to her I won't say anything about us I don't want her to know either, but I'm not gonna drop my mom for you right now. I'll be back just stay here ok I'll call Allie tell her not to come home." _I said to her watching a smile grow on her face.

"_Just cause she won't be here doesn't mean anything you'll still go home tonight I just don't want world war four is all." _I said back to her covering my mistake in letting her think I was happy and wanted her to stay.

I left and headed to the café to meet my mom. I hated this that she could get to Ashley the way she does and she does it on purpose. When my mom found out Ashley was going to be a surgeon. I thought she would be happy but no she wasn't she only laughed and said she would never have the patience to save a life.

I spotted her sitting in the middle of the room scanning through a pamphlet of some kind. I was angry at her for not only interrupting us but for being a totally bitch to Ashley. I walked up to her quickly taking a seat.

"_What the hell mom?" _I said in a high pitched voice

"_I told you Spencer I just wanted to see you" _she said reaching here hand out and rubbing mine

"_Yeah right mom you always have an agenda" _I said pulling my hand away

"_Ok if you must know I was offered a teaching job and I think I might take it so I came to check it out!" _her face was lite up all the lies she just told me and she still thinks she is perfect little Christian.

"_Why would you take a teaching job and like take a major pay cut?" _she had a evil grin on her face. _"Mom you have got to be kidding me why would you do this to make my life a living hell?" _I said to her shocking her a little, me not wanting her in my life.

"_Nice Spence I thought it would be nice being close again and it won't be that major just a little a price I can handle if it means being close to you?" _

"_So you want to give up your career as an E.R surgeon to become a teacher that sounds crazy is everything with dad ok?" _I ask her a little concerned that her and my dad might be fighting again.

"_Hey were good no need to worry I just thought it would be nice is all a change." _She said smiling

"_Yeah but you're not going to be able to follow me forever mom!" _I said to her sympathetically

"_I know it was just a thought it's not on paper yet!" _

"_You would teach Ashley is that what made you do this so you can mess with her?" _I asked her hoping she would never really want to hurt Ashley

"_Spencer I don't like her and we all this but I would never ruin her life, at least not the life a side from you" _

"_Ok I hoped so but mom her medicine and passion for that is my life and my journalism is hers. I just wish you would see that already" _I said to her sipping my water

"_I know Spencer it just I wish you would see I want you to be happy and live a good life with kids and marriage."_

"_Mom I am happy and I still can have kids and a big white wedding it's just going to be with Ashley and I know that is wrong to you but it feels so right to me" _I said to her hoping she would just get the hint and let this go after all these years.

"_Ok Spencer well I am starting to get tired mostly of this conversation so I'm going to head back to the hotel what time are your classes tomorrow?" _she asked gather her purse and putting the papers together she was looking at

"_I have two classes one at 12 then a two hour break and then one at 4!" _I said to her getting up and giving her a hugnot arguing with her other comments.

"_Ok well I will call you for lunch and then maybe after we can do something a movie I hear 'License to wed' is good." _She backed away and held my hand

"_Yeah lunch sounds good but I might have plans at five with Allie so I will have to see, when are you going back to L.A?" _

"_Saturday night is my flight, eight I think. Have Allie come with I would love to meet her, no plans with Ashley is something wrong it looked like she was mad upstairs?" _She always did this change the subject into something she was dying to ask. I knew she wanted the dirt on me and Ashley, I just wasn't telling because there is a lot.

"_We'll see mom maybe I'll ask Ash is she wants to come to show you we are just fine" _I said smiling knowing she hated that idea

"_Mmm ok Spencer call you tomorrow love you" _she said hugging me again

"_I love you two mom be careful" _I said watching her go and see her waving to me I just stood and watched her shaking my head she was incredible the things she does.

I made my way back up to my room hoping Ashley was still there. She gets a little anxious when it comes to waiting. I bumped into Cassie she was running up the hall way in the direction of our room.

"_Damn in a hurry?" _I asked her

"_Spence hey ah yeah Sorry!" _she said slowing down to walk with me

"_So I heard about that fight tonight at the party how's Ashley?" _

"_She's ok I don't think she got hit, all the other girl, and kind of my fault" _I said laughing

"_Yeah heard that you brought her and Ashley like freaked out, but didn't she like cheat on you?" _she asked

"_Yeah but V said something to hear about not being good enough and Ashley like flipped, I don't know" _

"_Oh so you guys are back, I mean you forgave her?" _she asked me with her eyebrows raised

"_Yeah I think we are I don't know?" _I told her sounding a little unsure

"_We'll whatever you stronger then me" _she said _"But this is my stop I have to see the R.A about the damn toilets" _she said laughing

"_Ok see you later, Bye" _

"_Yep" _she said going into the room.

The toilets have been over flowing lately. It's gross the floors are always wet I think the guys are being assholes and keep putting shit in them and flushing. We always see them in and coming out of them laughing then when they see us they hide their grins.

I stopped in front of my door, taking a little breather before I went in. I got to say I was a little nervous going back in there remembering her lips brushing up against mine. The way her hands felt on my back, it was too much. I know if I go in there now I will fall right into her arms. I will cave I know I will.

When I turn to leave I hear my door open and Ashley is standing there looking at me surprised to see me.

"_Were you just leaving?" _she said to me looking at me with a smile

"_No why were you?" _I asked her with a smile knowing I was caught

"_Uh huh" _was all she said moving out of the doorway so I could come in

"_What about you" _I asked her she only smiled, I knew then that she two was leaving.

I watched her go to my bed and sit down patting her hand on the spot next to her. I went and laid next to her, and she laid back.

"_So" _I said

"_So" _she answered


End file.
